Fight Fire With Sapphire!

~ Thursday, August 14, 2003
Greeting fellow travellers. I know I haven't posted lately and I have felt some twinges of guilt about this. But I'm sure that you can do without my guidance. (Well, most of you can, anyway.)

So, what was the reason for my absence? Well, mainly the continual media fixation with the Amrozi trial - and its constant demonization of that so-called "terrorist". The verdict and subsequent death sentence were too depressing for words.

"Guilty"? He was just trying to liberate his people from the shackles of crass commercialism and restore the friendly, cruisy vibe of Bali. Where's the crime in that?

So this terrible news sapped my once joyous and life-affirming spirit, and has kept me from blogging. I have spent most of the last couple of months in my isolation tank consuming nothing but carrot juice and Richard Neville essays.

The time was mostly one of rumination. But I did produce something of great value: thirty litres of urine! Oh joy! Joy and cat-dancing!

Knowing what an advanced, pure and empowered soul I am, this golden liquid (well, it's more kind of orangey-golden) is sure to have powerful healing properties. I think I might call it "Essence of Derek" and offer some of it to you, my loyal acolytes. (Of course, it will incur a fee of several hundred dollars per litre. But considering its contents the price is negligible.)

So what has brought me back the Blogopshere? Well, the appalling behaviour of that appalling testosteroid Shane Warne and his appalling mate David Hookes.

Imagine calling a woman "hairy-backed"! Women have enough to put up with in this phallocentric, patriarchal world without being accused of excessive hirsuteness. (And when I say that I'm not implying there is anything wrong with excessive hirsuteness in women. On the contrary, I find it extremely empowering.) Still, the term is so base; so common (and I don't mean that in a classist way).

And as is the case with so much slang these days, this term is as demeaning to animals as it is to women. My feisty feminist feline fellow traveller Jocelyn was most upset by the comment. You see she not only has a hairy back, she also has a hairy front, and a hairy face and a... well, a hairy everything to put it bluntly.

She was so devastated by this appalling demonization of her coat that she began to lose it, in vast quantities. And she has also been binge-eating tuna, then vomiting it up in my bedroom late at night. Several times this week I have woken abruptly to find my mouth full of pussy hair, the doona covered in wet spots and the room reeking of fish!

Appalling. Just appalling.
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